KRAD: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by DeadRat309
Summary: You are now having a KRAD unit in your hand, and you have no clue as what to do with him? Here's the instruction to your survival. Literally. DarkKrad.


**Title: KRAD – Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**

**Rating: T**

**Pairing: DarkKrad (kinda!?).**

**Warning: Shounen-ai. OOCness.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own D. N. Angel. Or the idea. I've seen it on many fandoms before, so I want to try it out on this fandom. With a little bend to suit the Shounen-ai taste.**

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_Congratulation! _You are now the proud owner of the fully-automated KRAD unit, _and _one of the people who have serious mental problems in the psychiatrists' list because you have the wrong mind to _actually _purchase one. Please accept our sincere condolences before paying close attention to the following instruction. Whether a psycho or not, a slight mistake can probably send your life crumbling in Hell, and trust us, that is not a very good option.

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**Basic information:**

**Name: **Krad (a.k.a the Hikari curse, the homicidal blond, the sadistic psycho, the obsessive bastard, and Kraddie-kins.)

**Date of manufacture: **Unknown.

**Place of manufacture: **Azumano, Japan.

**Age: **400.

**Hair color: **Blond.

**Eye color: **Golden.

**Height: **Relatively tall.

**Weight: **Light.

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**Your KRAD unit comes with the following accessory:**

A long, white robe that looks almost like a dress (Due to heavy business at the moment, we might send you a _dress_ instead of an actual robe, but don't worry since they won't look much different and your unit will look pretty in them.)

A shiny sword.

A silver/golden cross. (It depends on your taste of color, though we genuinely advice you to buy the more expensive one.)

A small voodoo doll with the name of DAISUKE NIWA carved on it.

A _giant _voodoo doll with the name of DARK MOUSY carved on it.

A SATOSHI HIKARI unit if possible.

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**Unpacking your unit: **

When you first open the box containing your KRAD unit, don't worry and especially don't _faint _at the murderous look and the sweet but deadly why-haven't-you-die-yet-you-shit smile he shoots at you. These are normal symptoms that do not indicate disrespect in any way, it just means that four hundred years of massacring people have finally taken effects.

Be careful not to let dust catch on any part of him during the process – He might just conveniently conclude that you are a freaking idiot who acts like the DAISUKE NIWA unit, and blow an energy ball at you.

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**Programming: **

The KRAD unit is basically one half of the KOKUYOKU product who has a very complicated character. On the outside, he shows a strangely polite attitude and sometimes a distant look which screams that he doesn't give a damn to the world around, but on the inside, he is a sadistic, arrogant bastard who might be working on a plan either to take over the universe, to capture the DARK MOUSY unit, or to kill his owner. You'll never know. So make sure that you don't mistreat him in any shape or form, and he'll perform as follow:

**Guardian angel: **With his excessively strong energy balls and the fancy white feathers plucked out from his fancy wings, the KRAD unit is capable of defeating just any kind of enemy you may encounter, from pathetically old glassed geezers who also have an obsession to take over the world to perverted purple-haired Phantom thieves. But then again, be very careful because those energy balls or fancy feathers could very well be used to throw at your face if you ever asked him to cook, or wash the dishes.

**Artwork protector/ examiner: **This unit have a very big obsession in artworks, especially those from the Hikaris. Just place one into his hand and no one will be able to touch it anymore (except for a certain kaitou unit who you can find in our catalogue), including yourself. He also have wide knowledge in the art field, so you don't have to worry about buying false antique, or taking care of the ass who sells said false antique to you later if you are with KRAD.

**Mass-murderer: **This is a special option which we seriously advice you not to use unless it is an emergency (i.e, some stupid idiot steals your pants and runs away laughing madly), because the KRAD unit is _so_ experienced on this field that he may not be able to control himself after the target has been eliminated. If you happen to be bouncing around when he's on his killer mode, consider your life a beautiful memory of the past.

**Yaoi-satisfier: **Meanwhile, this is an extra feature that you can easily install yourself, provided that you are one of those squealing, clingy, scary fangirls who gets nosebleed whenever you see two men together. After finishing the installation, just release you unit for one to two minutes, and he will either go jump, or be jumped _violently_ by the DARK MOUSY unit (which is very likely to happens, the chance can reach up to 99,999%). Warning: this option involves moans, snoggings, and many other perverted activities, so prepare yourself five boxes of tissues if you kindly decide to stay and watch (which I doubt you _won't_).

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**Your KRAD unit will come with different modes:**

Murderous (Default).

Polite and charming.

Pissed off.

Possessive.

Die, Mousy.

Please note that the _Polite and charming_ mode is the most uncommon and yet most dangerous mode for your KRAD unit to be put in. When he smiles at you sexily, you are free to faint in a fangirl-like style and even get nosebleed if you want, but never let your guard down. Because when the KRAD unit is on the _Polite and charming _mode, he is definitely scheming something. So if one fine day you wake up and find yourself dead, please call us immediately and we'll gladly arrange your funeral. This is not included in our service, but since you are practically _dead_, you'll only have to pay half the price.

Also note that the _Pissed off_ mode and the _Die, Mousy_ mode are very different, no matter how alike they seem. With the _Pissed off_ mode, you'll probably find yourself suffering in the most horrid way ever and then bite a bitter goodbye to your lovely life. The _Die, Mousy _mode, however, will only be activated when the DARK MOUSY unit is in his happy _Maniaque du sexe/Sex maniac _mode, and since their… activities take quite an amount of time, he'll spare you the suffering part and you only have to enjoy biting your lovely life a bitter goodbye.

The _Possessive_ mode can take place whenever the SATOSHI HIKARI unit is around. Even if you are having the KRAD unit as your guardian angel at the moment, just a sight of the SATOSHI HIKARI unit can make him easily drop you in the middle of a bloody war and turn to protect the blunette instead. This mode can also be activated if he catches sight of the RISA HARADA unit fawning around the DARK MOUSY unit, but it is most of the time accompanied by the _Murderous_ mode. If you are there at the moment, again, we pity you.

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**Relations with other unit: **

**DARK MOUSY: **This is your unit's so-called archenemy, and the only unit that can pushed your unit in a dangerous mood in less than a second. If your unit catches sight of him stealing something at your house, not only will you lose something valuable (duh, he's a _thief_), but the KRAD unit will also get pissed and then your house gets blown up. Or if the DARK MOUSY unit feel like it, he'll cheerfully drag your KRAD unit into a locked dark room, and after several moans and kinky noises later, your unit will step out, very embarrassed and pissed off and then your house gets blown up. Either way, your house gets blown up, so it is advisable that you don't let these two make any contact, no matter how much of an yaoi-admirer you might be.

**DAISUKE NIWA: **Is the unit that your KRAD unit will strangle in any kind of weather, because he is the love interest of the SATOSHI HIKARI unit while KRAD is very possessive of the blunette. Should any of your friends has a DAISUKE NIWA unit, don't let him/her bring him to your house unless the SATOSHI HIKARI unit is around. Your friend would much rather see those two making out on the spot than having her unit turned into an unrecognizable muddle.

**SATOSHI HIKARI: **Be careful with this unit. Your unit might just kidnap him home due to his obsession over him, and you will have another mouth to feed for no reason. Not to mention being charged with unit-kidnapping, since the stupid policeman who coincidently see everything says that he cannot arrest your KRAD unit because he's a mere product, and so you have to be arrested instead because someone _has_ to be arrested.

**KEI HIWATARI: **If you happen to have this unit (which only proves further that you have mental problems), don't worry because your KRAD unit will never pay attention to him. Unless when the KEI HIWATARI unit turns on his _Pedophilia_ mode and lays his dirty hands on the SATOSHI HIKARI unit, or when this unit shows that he also wants to take over the world. Your KEI HIWATARI unit will vanish faster than you can blink, and so do your pitiful life since you had the guts to buy such a stupid unit.

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**Other unit interaction:**

**RIKU HARADA: **This is one of the rare units that the KRAD unit has no intention to kill. This tomboy unit has no obsession with taking over the world, always call the DARK MOUSY unit a pervert and may kick him in the most sensitive place. Since she made DARK MOUSY suffer a hell lot in the past, your unit finds her rather harmless despite her attempt to intervene in his battle once.

**RISA HARADA: **We have stopped manufacturing this product for a long time, ever since that RISA HARADA massacre initiated by an old version of your unit. It was also because we received many complain about the annoying and overly girlish attitude of her. Still, should you see one around – probably asking the DARK MOUSY unit on a date, make sure that your unit doesn't see her if you are a kind-hearted person, and make sure that he _sees_ her if you are a sadistic bastard.

**EMIKO NIWA: **Mother of the DAISUKE NIWA unit. She's the only unit that your unit hesitates to interact with, and the only unit who can force him into feminine clothes and a _pink bow_ if she feels like. A scary woman when it came to her family. Over all, your unit is _afraid _of her.

**KOUSUKE NIWA: **Father of the DAISUKE NIWA unit. An evil character in an angel façade. What does he do? He _smiles_. His smiles are so innocent and bear so much resemblance to his son's that they tick off your unit considerably and prevent him from killing the man at the same time. So it's pretty likely that your unit will take your life instead, and that is all. Nothing important.

**DAIKI NIWA: **There is such an unit? Oh, never mind... He 's the grandfather of the DAISUKE NIWA unit, or so it seems. Killable.

**TOWA NO SHIRUBE: **She sends your unit goose bumps with the dazzling fangirl atmosphere of her.

**ARGENTINE: **Manufactured at the same time with the QUALIA unit who was diminished a while ago because we discovered flaws in her functions. Said to have a crush on her. Your unit didn't really like him at first since according to KRAD, this unit beat him and Dark at their own game once. But as the ARGENTINE unit pays respect to him a lot more than to the DARK MOUSY unit, he now finds him bearable.

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**Cleaning**

KRAD hates water, and will avoid it at any chance until he has to touch it. Such as when he have to clean himself. If you value your life, don't force him to a bubbly bath tub. We understand your desire to see him completely naked, but trust us, KRAD is capable of doing this job on his own. No peeking during the process, please, especially if you have the DARK MOUSY unit with a camera in his hand right next to you.

Your unit can dry himself automatically with his inner power. No need to help him with that, it will hurt his pride if you do so. And still no camera, please.

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**Energy:**

The KRAD unit almost doesn't need to eat. You'll just have to entertain him for a while by locking him in a room with a gore movie, or entertain him permanently with the bloody, mangled corpse of the DARK MOUSY unit and/or of the DAISUKE NIWA unit.

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**Trouble Shooting: **

Your KRAD unit is a perfectly perfect unit, or so he claimed, and a perfectly perfect unit has _nothing_ to do with _troubles, _thus it was totally pointless to even set up a Trouble shooting center in the first place_ . _He swears to God that he will destroy the whole company and whatnot if we _dare _put any word in this part of instruction. You have already known how sexily destructive (and troublesome) your unit can be, so please take a pity on our lives and let's move on to the next part.

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**Frequently asked question:**

**Q**: Oh no, my Kraddie-kins has been in a terrible mood since this morning, and I know he's going to erupt. What do I do?

**A: **This is a hard situation, since due to our professional calculation, your chance of escaping death is only 11,35%. If you want to preserve your life, please run immediately to the EMIKO NIWA unit to seek for shelter, her motherly love and pink bows power will protect you (assume that you make it in time).

**Q: **I've seen that my KRAD unit has very long hair. Is it alright if I persuade him to cut it?

**A: **Don't. _Ever. _The KRAD unit treasures his hair more than his life. Don't even think about putting _your _life and those pretty golden locks on the same scale. A hair-threatening question might very well lead to a life-threatening situation. For you, that is. Let us tell you some top-secret about his hair, however: _Two hundred years ago, a certain cocky thief complimented that his angel had such lovely hair_… But don't let this information leak out. Or else we'll all be toasted.

**Q: **There's this problem… You see, Krad-sama is very gorgeous and everything, so… *blushes*… Is there any way to seduce him?

**A: **Well… the point is, you are a girl while he is the utmost _gay _character in the D. N. Angel unit. Besides, even if you _are_ a boy, you'll need to have purple hair, super thieving skill, a pair of black wings and be an insatiable uber-pervert in order to attract him. Or you can dye your hair blue, put on a pair of glasses and a stuck-up manner and he'll be obsessed all over you. Don't try to color your hair red and slip on an adorable puppy face, though, you'll die in a second. Seriously.

**Q: **Is it okay if I call him girly?

**A: **You've got your answer now. So, do you want us to arrange your funeral? Remember, you only have to pay half the price!

**Q: **Help! My KRAD unit has been locking himself in his room for three days straight! And I've heard weird noises!

**A: **Ah… You see, this is a very natural problem. Our DARK MOUSY unit has probably slipped on his _Kinky _mode and was now holding your unit captive. He'll probably come out from there after a week or so, and until then we can offer you this Kinky-sound-blocker for an amazingly cheap price. Oh, and please note that after said week your unit will be very pissed, and your house might – _will_ – get blown up. Don't worry, you'll get used to this kind of predicament very soon, even the blown up house part.

**Q: **Why the hell does this KRAD unit have to put up with the DARK MOUSY unit? I want to see something else! Like KradDai!

**A: **Our apologies, but we're afraid that this is an incurable case. First, the KRAD unit _despises_ the DAISUKE NIWA unit. Second, the Head of the company practically worships the DarkKrad pairing, and he _is _the Head of the company. If you can't stand DarkKrad, please turns off the Yaoi mode and give up the final fun of your life. Your choice.

**Q: **Then why does my unit have to be a helpless _uke? _*Sobs* I want to see some KradDark actions!

**A: **Well, we understand your pain. Uke and Seme matter. But unfortunately, we don't have the solution for this, either. It just comes naturally. Please watch this tape and you'll understand what we're trying to say.

"_Dark, I want to be on top!"_

"_Okay."_

"_What?" Blinked. "You're not objecting?"_

_Smirked. "Uke can stay on top to, ya know…"_

"_I didn't mean it like that! I want to be a sem… Umph…" _

"_You're saying?"_

"_I said" – Panted – "I want to be" – Panted – "A sem… Umph…"_

_Kissed. Licked. Sucked._

"_Now, what did you want to tell me?"_

"… _Never mind. Keep going."_

_And then they continued their… erm… activities._

See? It just comes naturally. And we actually doubt if the KRAD unit would know what to do were he to be on top… Anyway, more question? No? Alright… Someone call an ambulance, please! Out customer is suffering a severe case of nose bleeding here! And she's giggling… God knows why…

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**Guarantee:**

With proper care and maintenance, your KRAD unit will stay healthy under your roof, hence your life will also stay intact. However, if you don't want to keep him in your house anymore due to stress and fear, just give the DARK MOUSY unit a call and he'll come right away to steal his precious angel. But in case you want to be an honest idiot and tell your unit that you want him out of your house, the KRAD unit will gladly _destroy _it so that he won't be _in _your house anymore.

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_I still want to have a KRAD unit after all XD._

_Special thanks to _**animeanie, Akemi Tsuki Hikari, QueenOfThePirates, StormShadow13**_ and _**The Lantern**_ for the reviews on 'Happy moments', and _**x lost fairytale**_ on 'Disorder'. With love._


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